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Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
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8:55 pm - good camera for very little monies!
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a while ago my dad gave me an hp camera because my uncle just kinda had it leftover from when his business closed down. my dad didn't need it because he had a better one.
i was going to keep it for archival purposes to hang out with my dslr, then i decided that was silly and i could use the money instead.
it's brand new. i think i've used it twice. it's worth $170 new (or at least the box says so) and i'm including new batteries and a 256mb card. somehow there's a scratch on the corner of the frame and i have NO idea how it got there, i literally used it twice then let it sit on a counter for a couple of months. i picked it up to box it up and sell it and saw the scratch, it's odd!
anyhow, here's the link in craig's list if you're looking for a good christmas gift.
it takes really pretty pictures (kinda like the price of a kodak camera and just as simple only MUCH nicer pictures, and faster than most cheap nikons).
http://winnipeg.craigslist.ca/pho/960804897.html
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
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9:03 pm - post date photos!!!
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i don't know who this women is i keep seeing in pictures and in the reflection looking back, but she's DAMN pretty.
( lookie lookie! )
current mood:  excited
current music: naked lady splashing in a bath upstairs
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 16th, 2008
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4:38 pm - selves
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i feel like i'm cut in half. like there is this entirely new half of myself - the parenting half, and all that is becoming of her.
I created a new livejournal for her. "cookiemommy" for any of you who are interested. i'm not sure if i'm going to write both here and there or if i'll eventually migrate thattaway, but yeppers. fun times. it's public, so feel free to read it for a while before deciding to add just for shits and giggles.
i can't remember how to add pictures via html, it's been so long and i want to spam lorvely pics.
someday soon.
love.
edit: figured it out -
http://cookiemommy.livejournal.com/572.html
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
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9:33 am
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i can't have a relationship with them without compromising my self.
it's 9:30 and i'm already desperate for someone to talk to.
i feel like i have no friends, which i know isn't true. And that's no passive agressive it's just the unfortunate truth.
i have been told "i can't make it OUT THERE today" like i live miles away. which, i never found 15 mins from downtown to be all that far. Friends make plans which they don't keep, they don't even call to cancel or apologize after they flake out. I'm married to one best friend, another lives in mexico and another lives by the ocean on the other side of the country. I wish i could speak directly to my friends about this but i have tried for years and it makes no difference.
My support system is either nonexistant or has a massive hole in it. Everyone is too busy fending for themselves and, to be honest, i'd much rather help someone else with their problems or things in their life they need support with than i need support myself. I just need to know people are out there and care enough to remember me.
i spend every day being screamed at by a child i can't calm down. Drown out the screaming with headphones. That doesn't work. Give her time out for misbehaving? doens't work? hold her? give her bubble baths? nothing works. she just screams and screams and screams and screams. I just need someone to talk to since my wife isn't around. Someone to tell me i'm okay, that someone still likes me. that... something. It's been so long since i've had a dependable support system. I don't really remember that it's like to have a group of friends i could honestly go to in the middle of the night and tell them i was sad or even just reach out to them when i'm lonely. i hate the fact i feel i'm inconveniancing everyone. and that's not just me, it's been made pretty clear that something about me is an inconveniance, whether it's me or my children i don't know. i've been told "i just don't always like being around the kids" well suck it up. i don't either. if you don't want to be around them, then you lose me. that's no a threat, it's the truth.
i considered talking to everyone individually, and i just decided against it. i've tried that too many times and it just doesn't work. it works for a few days, maybe a month and then nothing. i'm tired of putting effort into something that isn't changing.
this is my journal and these are my thoughts, i am not speaking to you but if you think of anything when you read this, feel free to email me.
i just miss all my friends. i don't have the energy or time to be the one putting in the effort and i'm tired of getting my hopes up that my friends are actually friends and a support system of any kind. I could really really really use some support and i don't have it.
current mood:  frustrated
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 25th, 2008
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9:29 am - the stressss snake
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just keep packing, just keep packing, just keep packing...
current mood:  stressed
current music: screaming toddlers
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
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6:43 pm - embedded.
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an apology, especially a long overdue one, goes a long way.
especially when they're honest.
you centred yourself, importantly, once they wandered off to peruse the grounds. Metaphorically adjusting your tie and clearing your throat, you gave me your eyes and offered me your belly.
Thanks but no thanks. perhaps an unsure pat was returned.
Going on your way, looking back over your shoulder, that glimmer was still there.
there is hope in the world.
the universe is trying to right itself, i suppose that just has to happen.
I finally reached out to the universe, instead of just listening, i started answering. I started
actions speak louder than words
i've started doing.
DOING.
it feels minimal and never enough and i feel like i'm lying most of the time i say i'm DOING.
but i am.
i don't know what i've been afraid of, i don't think it matters, i'm still afraid of it. but i'm moving forward anyway.
maybe i never believed i deserved what i wanted, or that it could actually be obtained. maybe i just never had the energy or support to go THROUGH the mess. maybe i've just run out of way AROUND it, that always inevitably brought me back .Here. anyway.
Here. In my head.
I stand here, before you, and i announce my renouncing.
the man across the way sends shivers down my spine similar to the method of bugs crawling up my walls. I will not bow down in dissapointment. I will not let him see the hair on my back standing up. I will lay here, belly exposed but not accessible, growling and ready to pounce. Relaxed and knowing the next step is forward.
has always been forward.
no revelations.
no conjuring.
nothing like it was and nothing different.
the air smells of mushroom plants and rain.
unpleasant to say the least.
i calculated the positives in creating a new journal.
i thought far too much about it all.
i lived a lot during the thinking.
unsettled, i lived it all.
still am.
always still am.
yes, poor grammar. suck it up, sister.
i will prevail.
i have a dream...
I have always had a dream.
I'd say "wake up" but i'm awake. sleepy, but awake. perhaps i need coffee. perhaps i need air. water is the devil and angels all at once.
this room is growing.
things, size.
growing.
oil splashed on canvas with words utterance noise
i will not retread digress undress
letters ripped up and torn, thrown to the fire. resurface.
i am on the surface now.
breathing.
just keep breathing.
current mood:  good
current music: rain
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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10:15 pm - university is dangerous
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today: french test.
tomorrow: french test, take-home exam due, meeting with prof.
saturday: sleep? and study and do papers.
sunday: same as saturday.
monday: 12 page reasearch paper due. work from 2-10
tuesday: homework.
wednesday: same as tuesday, saturday and sunday.
thursday: astronomy exam. phil of renaissance exam. french exam.
friday: 10 page paper due.
they were all assigned last week.
fuck fuck fuck.
THIS is why i stuck to theatre.
lord help me.
current mood:  exhausted
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 27th, 2008
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10:10 am - day one.
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
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11:25 pm
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It's time you acknowledged that you are a miraculous work of art, a masterpiece unlike any other ever created. I'm not pandering to your egotism by telling you that. When I say, "Be yourself," I don't mean the self that wants to win every game and use up every resource and stand alone at the end of history on top of a Mt. Everest-sized pile of pretty garbage. When I say, "Be yourself," I mean the self that says thank you to the wild irises and the windy rain and the people who grow your food. I mean the self who's joyfully struggling to germinate the seeds of love and beauty that are packed inside every moment. I mean the spiritual freedom fighter who's scrambling and finagling and conspiring to shower all of your fellow messiahs with your best blessings.
-Brezny
As i was about to give up on hope. I failed to do the two assignments. Missed four classes of french, which i was already doing not well in and i figured it was too late for me to help with my presentation.
I decided to up and go to this mythical place... was presented with french answers leaving my mouth before i even thought, and was given an extension without even asking for the papers just because i signed up for the class late. He didn't need proof. He didn't need anything but my name and an honest answer. I didn't have to lie. it worked out well. My classmates for the presentation were about as behind as i and it turns out i have two weeks to do it.
my hope restored. now i just have to find hundreds of dollars for bills i forgot to pay. whoops. well, at least it's just money! the world has been good so far, it wouldn't surprise me if my student loan magically appeared within the next ten days.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
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6:34 pm
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it's odd, but not being able to afford a house for $135,900 makes me feel like a loser. wow.
( just across the street and so far away )
what gets me through? i will end up where i need to and it will be even better than this. but i'm definitely allowed to drool! oh yes yes i am.
It seems, though, that my brain is in house-hunting mode... whether be buy or rent, it's all the same to me. oh heyhey yeah woooo.
current mood: excited
current music: "La Califfa" - Sarah Brightman
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
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3:56 am - aha!
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i think i am simply done trying to figure out what it is people want from me. i simply want to BE me.
i have spent hours and days trying to take all the pieces and put them together to come up with an end result. The description not descript enough, the needs not specified... i am simply handing over my heart on a platter and it can be stamped anyway necessary.
it seems to be all i have and i need to stop apologizing for that because it is not
"just" or
"merely" or any other trite word of such.
i have expended an unnumerable amount of hours stressing over such uneccesary things as this and my brain has crumbled into mush.
it is all over and what have i learned:
that trying to be what others want you to be teaches you nothing.
my heart is too strong, my will is too thick.
i am like oil and shining in the sunlight.
maybe not oil because oil is kinda gross sometimes... but it DOES produce helium... rather helium is found in oil pockets in the ground and....
time for sleep. oh yes oh yes oh wait...
one last thing...
current mood:  relieved
current music: "take me with you" - tori amos
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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2:59 am - γνωθι σεaυτόν (know thyself)
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"The soul is winged and when the wings drop off, she falls headlong into the body; and then, after her wings have grown again sufficiently, she flies back to heaven."
- Zoroaster
When his followers asked him in what manner they could obtain souls winged with well-feathered wings, he replied: "Refresh ye your wings in the waters of life." Again when they asked where they should seek those waters, he answered them thus by a parable: "God's paradise is laved and watered by four rivers, from whose same source ye may draw the waters of your salvation. The name of the north is Pischon, which meaneth the right. The name of that in the west is Dichon, which signifieth expiation. The name of that in the east is Chiddikel, which expresseth light, and of that in the south, Perath, which we may interpret as piety."
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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10:46 pm - procrastination. i can't do this.
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this has become a WILL not. no longer a cannot, the will have overriden the can't and made the won't a can't. both one in the same and completely different, still.
sleep. sleep is what i think about.
i cannot do this willnot do this because
sleep.
photography.
outside
out.
painting.
world.
spring.
air.
beauty.
truth.
where is the *should* in that.
this is what i decided to do but i CANNOT
nor WILLNOT will myself into doing this
it hurts me
i do all i can to avoid it
it isn't that hard
it makes me a failure
makes me FEEL like a failure
cannot
will not
this cannot has become a will not
why is this so important to me?
why can i not spare a few hours of my time away from simply things like a television show i'm currently addicted to or cleaning my house or sharing photographs or mundane conversation
or conversation that may or may not be the glue for my future
why can i not put life aside for a few months of living in order to close this chapter in my life?
there is no going back
there is no choice
it hurts to will not
it hurts to cannot
i hate myself for the willnot
would i hate myself more for the cannot?
would i hate myself more were i to will myself to?
my pleasure isn't in the place i'm at
isn't in the place i come from
is it sabotage or am i still running on survival?
current mood: frustrated
current music: suba
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(comment on this)
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5:56 pm - tagged by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dreamsreflected
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a) List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself
b) Tag seven people to do the same
c) Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it"
1. i cut words out of EVERYTHING and put them in boxes.
2. I collage my walls with pictures paintings drawings words mirrors various pieces of things i find that mean *something* to me.
3. I am unbelievably obsessed with House and Scrubs and i hate doctor shows.
4. I will happily do the scariest thing i can imagine rather than do my homework, no matter how easy the homework is.
5. i recently purchased $150 worth of dry bulk beans.
6. i have extremely hightened sense of smell. if you wear perfume/oils/smells of any kind i will feel like you are further away from me than you actually are because i can't smell you.
7. i used to forget to breathe sometimes and then i'd take a big deep breath because i'd remember.
I tag anyone who wants to do it who hasn't already been tagged because I don't believe i have seven people to tag who haven't already been tagged.
current mood:  bored
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
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1:40 pm - The Workplace
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Ashley: So... why'd you ask me what *I* thought when i asked you what [my outfit] looked like?
Me: Because it's YOUR opinion that matters, not mine.
Ashley: But what if ... when you want an opinion... i just wanted...
Me: When i first walked in here today, i OFFERED to you that i thought you looked wonderful. *smile*
Ashley: Oh. yeah. but...
Me: I also told you not long ago that i would ALWAYS give you nothing but an honest answer.
Ashley: Oh. right. *smile and blush* Thanks.
Me: *smile and nodd*
I am conflicted. I can't be the voice of reason for these kids. She's intelligent and beautiful but very very ... stuck? I want to help her but she needs me to do the work for her and i just can't. I suppose i'm learning how to help people without doing the work FOR them just as i'm learning to do the work for myself and accept it when i need it, not just when i don't want to do it. I'm also learning when to refuse help when it's something i need to learn how to do myself.
It makes me happy that i can know myself even this well.
It's nice to have confirmation of that.
The world ISN'T as mean as i thought it was.
And it's quite possibly getting better.
( lyrics for you. Because everything WILL be alright. )
current mood: good
current music: "helpless" - kd lang (neil young cover)
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(comment on this)
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1:31 pm - The Motherload
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"you know i love you, right?" i blurted out as we carried empty water bottles down the street.
"sometimes i think you don't." she looked over her shoulder, juggling the awkward plastic. "don't cry. you wanted an honest answer." she answered so immediately i knew she'd been waiting to talk about it. "It's not often, but sometimes i don't." We climbed into the car and that was the end of that conversation. She handed me dark chocolate hearts for valentines day and i almost cried at the fact she took note i've stopped eating milk products. I awkward told her about the secrecy and horrors of casein and whey and she nodded like a child, taking note. A black bag lifted from the floor by assistance of her hand and landed in my lap. "this is... the thing... we got you... in palm springs there's this store..." And she went on to excited tell me the backstory to my gift. (there's always a back story, i think she cares more about the story than the gift which makes them mean something even when they don't.) "Truth is not an option." it says on it. Tears welled up in my eyes. She stammered for an excuse in case it wasn't good enough, since i was so silent (she's yet to learn my silence and tears are often more honestly happy than smiles).
She knows who i am. She wouldn't stop talking about how much it reminded her of me and how much she had to get it for me.
She knows who i am. Whether or not she agrees with everything i do, she is still proud that i do it because i need to and that i remain true to myself. She knows i'll figure it out but still worries. It's okay to worry and sometimes doubt, it's safe. It doesn't mean anything bad. I always thought... i'm not really sure what i thought.
We spoke of her first house and what they went through. I asked her about what to do with a toddler that won't eat. We're still dancing around bits and pieces of truth, but the bits are getting smaller and fewer and i know we'll get there. Or at least we'll get away from where we were and closer to where we're going.
current mood: good
current music: "after the gold rush" - kd lang (cover)
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, February 22nd, 2008
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11:33 am
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I have been living lately and had no words that translate to the computer.
the world has mysteriously been keeping me from getting broke so i can live my life the way i need to live it and focus on the important parts.
all is incredibly well. i am trying to put together a bunch of pictures to spam this place with of my life as of late, but there are soooo many of them i get overwhelmed. don't wait... they'll happen. oh yes yes they will. until then, here's some fun i stole from a lovely woman:
+ Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
+ Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
+ Post them here for everyone to guess.
+ Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
+ NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.
( more... )
current mood: good
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
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6:01 pm - Angioplasty.
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there was a ghost in my closet when i moved close enough to look at it.
it looked like me and screamed like me and made me feel things i hadn't felt in years. i thought things i hadn't thought in years. i was brought back to this place of inferno i thought i had left behind.
*
there is this place where i dont' know anything.
how can i possibly know?
i'm not there. i haven't experienced it. i can't hold it in my hand. can't touch it taste it smell it. it isn't mine.
isn't my life.
at this rate won't ever be my life.
i am barefoot in a land covered in broken egg shells pieces of glass and various other things you can conquer but no one actually wants to.
my words are a little more cognisant but not quite possibly what i wanted to say.
i am left standing in this windy corner, being swept aside by the aside of cars and the gusts of others' energy.
i am holding my own hand and running standing in this one spot.
there is an answer to this question.
the form and content CAN be unified. there IS a universal truth in this ever constant always changing being trapped in an ever changing constantly revolving door.
if i can just hold on to what i Know and make sure that i continue resonating my own energy and hold fast to the truths that course through my veins then and only then can i hold on to this life.
in and out on this same path that I’ve followed for years
can’t I look around and ask how could we still end out up here?
i can’t just hold tight, wait for them to cut us to ribbons
if the sharpest thing where you come is a blade of grass
oh, take me with you
i don’t need shoes to follow
bare feet are running with you
somewhere a rainbow ends my dear
these injuries
don’t you think we need a new referee?
i can’t let the ball drop, boy I need some interference
to shut them up
oh, take me with you
i don’t need shoes to follow
bare feet are running with you
somewhere the rainbow ends my dear
oh, take me with you
chase rabbits into their burrow
bare feet are running with you
today even the rain can cut me up
tears turn to steel
and the wound never heals
in the darkness of november
well, the witch is in the tower
and the snake’s in the bower
and the hunt goes on forever
now the stake is there to burn
my father’s robe is torn between cross and mother
with the blood on your hands, come on what'cha doing?
i am fed up with this questioning
here
oh, take me with you
i don’t need shoes to follow
bare feet running with you
somewhere the rainbow ends my dear
oh, take me with you
chase rabbits into their burrow
bare feet are running with you
today...
today...
oh, take me with you
i don’t need shoes to follow
bare feet are running with you
today even the rain
even the rain
can cut me up
take me with you
take me with you
current mood: absolved?
current music: "take me with you" - tori amos
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1:16 am - body parts
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#1 recommended treatment for frostbite: rewarming of the affected surface.
They warned to take ibuprophan or any kind of painkiller before rewarning the surface but i figured that was precautions.
HAH! i don't think i have experienced this pain before. The pain oh the pain oh the pain. wow. yep. don't get frostbite.
1 months (to the date) short of 29 years in winnipeg and i've managed to avoid frostbite until tonight. Damned bus just never came and when it did, it honked and waved as it drove past.
Wtf you ask? i don't know either.
Half an hour in -100000000 was just too much for my underdressed legs.
i still have red splotches from my immune system's overretalliation of the flu with wonderful itchy hives (also of which i've never experienced until this year). and i have a boil on my ass that could use it's own zip code.
the joys of burning out.
on the up side it was necessary and the flu forced me to... insert something here about a renewed sence of life.
yup yup.
somethin' about constantly shittin' out everything you eat without your consent makes you think a little about maybe NOT burning so hot.
enjoy the tmi.
:D
current mood:  mischievous
current music: house
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, February 8th, 2008
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1:51 pm - pyramids
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from dreamer to twisted entwined woman to freedom of thought.
this is the path i have chosen. the path i'm on.
it's good to know i AM doing it right.
these thoughts are uncontained.
i have been struck with the flu for little over a week and the desperation and contamination my body and brain both felt has reinstated a lifeforce i was looking for.
i burned out.
i was doing too much and i couldn't take it. couldnt' do it. coudln't handle it.
i'm still doing too much. even more.
i am scared about falling back into this place, so i need to think about it. was it the fear of doing too much that burned me out? or was it not doing everything i needed that burned me out?
or was it simply that i WAS doign too much that burned me out?
i thrive on being a workaholic, often. in my lifetime, i have been most functional when i was incredibly overworked and overfull and doing a million things at once. i don't honestly know if that was because i was doign what i loved or simply because i was moving too much and too fast to think about the fact i was doing things, and i was simply left with needing to do them.
i don't know how much of this is breaking down because my back is broken or if i fall back on that.
i've lost my train of thought.
time for me-time. tonight. when i get home from work. i have to sit and think about myself. talk to myself. figure out what i want and how i can get it.
actually think about it. i have to wnat these things. i have to work for these things.
no, They won't know how hard i worked this year. my grades will definitely not show how hard i have worked this year. but that is not my goal. i have to make it no longer my goal.
i have to make it no longer my goal to live up to them. or to me. or to anyone.
and to just live.
close your eyes.
imagine you're floating.
imagine the mid-sky sun and the weather heat, the air waving from the rising extremities.
you are stronger than you think you are.
no, you know you are this strong.
start believing.
you DO believe.
start letting yourself have confidence in the fact you Know.
"In order to live with ourselves, we accommodate who we are with who we wish to be. If we are
to know happiness in this short life, we do it without lying to ourselves..."
- Vincalis the Agitator
Holly Lisle's Diplomacy of Wolves
current mood: open-eyed
current music: "riven" soundtrack - robyn miller
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