Current mood:	hungry
Current music:	leonard cohen in the background everymorestill

random journal writings of today...
I am appreciating the necessity of incoherance.
I must find those commonly used words I use where my confidence in spelling them faulters.
I must correct my insecurities in any way I can.

*

28 years.  Tomorrow.
I think i'll start viewing my birthday as MY new year, because really it is.
This will be my year to remove/change things that cause anxieties, things I don't like about myself.  Things I don't feel are part of my Self.

1.  Work out.  But don't worry about weight.  Worry about health (and simply hope stomach will shrink enough to no longer be in the way).

2.  Stop eating junkfood.  (at least for the most part).  Junkfood makes me feel guilt and no matter how hard i try to justify it, it pretty much always happens.  I have already begun this task, though I bought ginger snaps no thinking they were junkfood when i bought them.

3.  Do homework.  On time.  Early, preferably.  Causes anxiety and depression to be behind and/or not do homework at all.  I'm better than that.  I'm better than this.  Let's finish school with a bang.  The non-school part of my life is trying to come alive and will not stop.  MAy as well make the school part as "easy" as possible.

I will start CELEBRATING my years on earth rather than denying, oppressing, repressing and punishing them.
Not EVEN 30 years yet.
I've managed to stay alive on this earth for a day short of twenty-nine years!!  Wo0t!

And i'm NOT insane.
And I haven't fallen prey to society.

**

I am water.
And I am fire.
And the fire is trying to wake up.
This has been part of my confusion - I have always known I was water, and fire has merely hinted from the wings, but I always passed it off as foolish hope.  Like wishing to be a rockstar.  Thought it was merely wishing I was other than i am, never thought it possible my rough underbelly was trying to expose itself.

I ignored this passion burning underfoot.  Failed to see the sparkling embers in everything i did.

If you prepare for failure (prepare - NOT expect), you will quite often succeed.  Often far beyond your wildest imagination.

**

You have to be especially strong here in the winter.
The world kind of goes to sleep and you spend a few months fighthing a dark foggy cold, where humans are sparce - and generally cranky/depressed.  
You find yourself often teetering between illness and health, and rotating the different illnesses (and levels of) you do get. 
The sun abandones you for the most part and you are left with this emmense feeling of cabin fever and loneliness, no matter how many people you surround yourself with, no matter how many places you go.

It is so easy to fall prey to the silence of the wind. 
Whipsering secrets of failure into your ears.
The frozen river roaring with desperation beneath the ground,
like struggling quicksand - 
resistance is futile.

Suicide is high in the winter months, especially around the holidays, especially around Christmas.
Why can't we all just fight the good fight together?  We're all in it.