Current mood:

good

Anaïs Nin
I wept because i had lost my pain and i was not yet accustomed to its absense.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.



sometimes i have issues with finding the light through other's words.
then i get over myself and am glad i am able to live at all, be it through others' words, with the help of others' words, or on my own.
Those two quotes do not go together, one is from Henry & June and the other i simply found on a wikepedia page about her. But they both touch base on how i feel.
I remember my highschool theatre teacher (we'll call her Laura because that's her name) knew a little bit about what was going on at home. I wouldn't let on completely for fear of many things. She told me that once i moved out from home i would blossom unbelievably into the person she knew i was. It took a while and definitely didn't happen as soon as i moved out. I was surrounded by other people and other people's energies and opionions. So used to succumbing to thoughts and opinions that were not mine, i had no room to open up and find my own.
First there was living in the basement of a woman i was lusting after, in love with, and consumed by. Then living in someone else's house and flitting from "home" to home. Even sharing a home with the beautiful and wonderful Siobhan proved to be non-condusive to much growth, more anger on my part, actually.
But now, amongst whatever mess and dirty dishes i have made for myself, i am pulling apart at the seems and that small box i crammed my light into oh so long ago is bursting open against my wishes... or is it the complete opposite of against my wishes.
It has become harder to remain invisible and not live than it has to become visible and learn to live.