hair.
for the first time since Matt so kindly helped me fall a little more into my skin, or at least my hair, i was ashamed of it. I had to face my parents after they returned from their trip and i decided that they eventually had to deal with it, so why not right away.
First thing my mother says: "What'd you do to your head?!" I explained to her that i "cut some of it off" (mild understatement) because "i had to." (at least the truth there.) Then i took it down to hide it from my father. I started to hate/dislike myself slowly, then sat in the dreaded car on the way home as he tried not to fall asleep and i tried not to be afraid, while he told me i needed to get a different job and i told him i had a job i liked. He said it was so i would get more hours but that i couldnt' do 'em and he said "well in this day and age everyone gets all the hours they can, i just thought you might want to try somewhere else." at this point, i decided i wanted to paint pictures in the mud stains on the windows. the sky was beautiful, painted dustclouds filling the atmosphere, looked like the sky was on fire, but coming down instead of up.
they always wondered why i put more energy into my friends. my friends don't ask me what's wrong with my head or tell me i need a new job. my friends don't make me feel like shit and then not apologize for it or even recognize it. my friends recognize that i'm my own person and that i'm marvelous.
more and more i keep thinking i should cut myself off completley from them money and gift wise, not let them get me ANYTHING EVER and cut ties with him. he makes me feel like shit. i have no way of getting that across to him. yes, i understand it is more about me LETTING him make me feel like shit, and that i shouldn't let it bother me, but ... yes... there are no more words for this since it's still upsetting me.