Shanti ([info]ana_morphic) wrote,
@ 2007-11-21 22:16:00
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Current mood: frustrated

inconclusive...
i have difficulty saying no to others because i fear being told no.
i feel that if i fear being told no, that it is not fair to expect others to be alright with it. I also fear that if i say no too often, that people will give up on me (as they have in the past) and assume my answer will always be no, or that i don't care as much as i do or that...

more to think on this.


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[info]dreamsreflected
2007-11-22 01:57 pm UTC (link)
I have a similar issue, my solution has been rather calculated I deal with percentages, if I say no to something 3 times in a row I'll force myself into the fourth weather it's any more or less convenient that the others would have been. clearly that system has flaws. I think the best you can be is honest as to why the "no" is necessary if people care about you and really care then they'll understand if they don't want to make allowances for life and the fact that you can't always be at their beck and call then you don't need them. much easier said than done I know. I think the major thing is learning to acept that someone saying "no" isn't a rejection of *you* but a rejection of a suggestion or a situation, it's hard not to take things personally but a lot of it is having faith in the people you keep in your life, knowing that rejections and miscommunication are a part of life and being confident in your ability to work through negative feelings and reactions and knowing the people who care about you care enough to stick around.

have faith.

also today is http://www.fucklikeapirateday.com/

:D

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[info]saerundis
2007-11-22 04:04 pm UTC (link)
i've had the same problem. because of who i am, i must say no to a lot of things. i'm finding there are more things to say no to because i've never had boundaries for myself in the past. people know this, so they assume Sara will always feel so guilty that she has to accept things, so they ask. [at least this is my assumption, i may be wrong.] and if i say no, they push. this is when Sara flips out and all hope is lost. i don't dig being pushed... i push back. it's usually a surprise to others, they're expecting a pushover.

the only way i've been able to regain comfortable boundaries around myself has been to say NO when i need to say no. to my sister, my family, my friends, Adam, everyone. if i'm busy, i'm busy. if i'm not busy but i want to be alone, then that's how it is. if there's a birthday party and i really don't feel like going to it, i don't go. *shrug* might piss someone else off, but that's not my problem; they know i care about them, and if they're going to let my presence [or lack thereof] at a party define what kind of friend i am, then they are not the kind of person i want in my pantheon.

for a while, people push. then they get confused and try to reason with me about why i should really do what they say i should do, to which i politely and honestly [but not TOO openly] explain why i disagree. then they either back off, or push harder, and then i make a nice snarky comment and disappear from the face of the planet for about three weeks. when i come back, my friends and family understand they pushed too far, and i got some nice alone time out of it.

i might be neurotic, i might not be quite sane, but this is healthy for me, and it works. boundaries is the word of the day. shall we say it together? boundaries.

*SCREAAM*

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