Thursday, March 8th, 2007

Time	Event
11:44a	Denying my defenses when i remove all the doubt and the fear and lack of descretion, this film dissapears and i can see everything i used to. i have said your words and felt in place with everything, kindly waiting. i have known it all, sitting and communing with trees blowing in the wind, green leaves telling me stories of centuries before this life. i remember spending hours upon hours spouting riddles back and fourth with a squirrel who didn't even know my name. i know, underneat this all... underneat the scepticism ... underneath the fear... underneath the embarassment, there is someone who once almost stood on a podium to proclaim words people needed to hear. but when potholes arose.  things i didn't agree with. i ran. ran straight into the arms of another manwomanbeastchild  ran into the arms of Linearity and began to further explore this place i cannot name. I ran fast and far and into every crevace i could find spelunting quickly into uknown caverns and resurfaced pains i found myself pouring out of every oraface and finding every answer. New questions arose and their answers came in winds blowing, water trickling along windowsills, animals speaking in caws and screeches mother's blowing kisses in the air towards my unknowing cheek. I knew it all and It knew me. But i didn't know i was being watched. Being watched for the slightest slip-up.  The very smallest of all things, in every doubt that still existed. My overconfidence served as a barrier against the Truth. I am even now, trapped within myself, battling what Should and what Is. Knowing full-well that i have all the answers, i seek further answers to those answers. I stopped trusting in my ability  to breathe, my ability to speak see be cognitive in any way shape or form. I lost the confidence in my existence, alone and from there i had nowhere to go. A question i had never really thought of before. I had questioned my existence, many times over, but never had i questioned it lacking confidence in any answer.  I had no answers to which i was certain.  Only doubt existed there. If i did exist - then why? If i didn't - why not? Again, i knew these answers, but they merely floated, at the surface, arrogantly like my breath. When my lungs collapsed, my faith was crushed beneath them and i inherantly decided against all Known. My eye turned inward and every answer and question i ever had [been given] switched places with themselves. Did i step throught the looking glass? Everything is backwards here, Alice. nothing is like anything else. I have asked myself a million impossible questions during my waknig time before breakfast, but none of them stay. none of them stick. like walking, i trip over myself attempting to remain fluid,  my breath catches on unfamiliar words and unpleasant formalities. Ever more I am undone. Current Mood: undone. Current Music: "Cante Per Me" - Noir (Comment on this)
4:19p	It is so difficult, this delicate balance of life and school.  One always wants to take precident. The daily in-and-out  out-and-in that i treasure so dearly, and end up fearing by the end of the day. I am constantly having to make decisions, remove and add stresses and hope by the end of the year i've done it all "correctly." life.  friends.  loves.  family.  school.  school.  school. i have to keep reminding myself you chose to be here it is better than where you were you WANT this And still, i often end up in the same place with the same frame of mind. Something is bothering me. Something is stressing me out. I have started grinding my teeth, unbeknownst to me - during the day, so it is something i have to work on conciously to stop. no easy answer. discipline. discipline. requires patience and truth. discipline is required by oh so many things. no one is deserving of that which they do not discipline...? i lack i fear i *insert excuse here* slam my words against a wall, perhaps a voice box will puke out the bile of verbatim. Current Mood: anxious (5 Comments | Comment on this)
9:21p	You hung on her arm like the shadow of a person who used to be. She -- a shadow of the person I  used to be. Perhaps these are not ghosts, but shadows mimicking my movements. Perhaps this is the Dark making me doubt Night from Day. Those who choose to limit how much they love are shrouded by the fear of so many past. Claustrophobic from the deaths of all the rest. I have done all this in hopes of not losing, yet I have still lost.  I have attempted to protect this cushy bubble around myself, with wishes and hopes and dreams and dillusions.  Every time i was asked, "What have you got to lose??"  I turned to my material possessions or emotional inadequacies and the list was still too long to ignore. Blinking through liquidated ashes, I am covered in the abhorence of my past. (Comment on this)

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