Shanti's Journal

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what we want, but the realization of how much we already have"
-unknown

i have no words. feeling like a nialist, not wanting to unimpress. my doors have closed and the english is leaving me
this happens sometimes... the Poet awakens and simple english drains into sewers
i often have no words when the sun is setting
just eyes for the clouds
run with this
take the ticket
i miss having people who lived for my words
"tell me a story. right here, write now." she said, drooling over my fascination driven in so deep
i am clearly merely out here for your fantasy

*

I am afraid of losing people.
so afraid.
it's what i'm used to, but i'm not used to it.
i realized, i was talking to a new friend, with clarity and ease, like i trusted her, this easily,
then my words seeped away into the above conversation, and english became second language again. Shifting to the other side of my brain, paranoia set in and she stopped responding. At a loss for words, i ran away and apologized for being me.
In retrospect, i am tired of feeling in the middle. In the middle of intelligence; those who "get" me and those who don't. Often finding people i relate to and eventually finding somewhere, some part of me is too much or not enough. Always being in the middle.
Where i to say fuck it! and just be me, despite, i could end up with too many friends or none at all.
Yes, this is negative.
Yes, this is whateveryousayitis
Yes, this is my pain and i am trying to release it.

Bladders and external horn-honkings oh too often get in the way.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: car alarm

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