Shanti's Journal

patience and androgeny
i pull off androgeny better in the dark.
the shadows contort my soul in ways the light just can't reach.

there is this other person inside of me, living in there and thriving, dying to get out and share with the rest of the world.
every so often we hold hands, she reaches out and i reach back. like pinky fingers entwined, we are hand-in-hand and waiting patiently for the right time to come out.
in learning patience, i am also learning that there are times when patience is the last thing in the world that you need.
i am learning that there are some lessons that need to be learned completely alone, and some that can only be learned with the help of someone that cares. Sometimes you have to have the road pointed out for you and sometimes you can only learn to see it by sitting in the middle of the desert parched and alone until you find the strength to create it.

i am not ashamed of anything i have done. i feel embarassment and regret, but those are fading, and although you can say that embarassment is part of shame, i tend to dissagree. I'm not sure who i'm talking about and i can't assume anything about what anyone reading this will think, so i guess then i'm assuming what the other part of me will think.
dualism. Black and white. it's become impossible to simply be one or the other, they are blending. black becomes white becomes black becomes grey and then all the other colours burst forth from the rainbow like raindrops.

fresh air, like standing in the middle of a rainstorm and getting covered in water. it never matters how cold it is, it never matters where i am - rain is always rain and i will always know it. I don't need to learn new languages or know how to walk or know how to eat properly. all i need to know how to do is breathe and i am living.

i am living.
i am alive.
you must learn to remind yourself every moment you are awake, that you have arrived.

i have arrived.
this second, i have arrived.
yesterday, i had arrived.
every path i take will lead me to where i need to be, because it will be where i am and i will have arrived.

i am honestly glad i am alive.
that is why i have never given in to the sadness.
that is why i have never been able to fully give up.
this is why i AM still alive.
no matter how hard everything is or ever will be, i will always be exactly who i'm supposed to be and i will continue to turn into who i am supposed to turn into.
a ~~better~~ newer version of me.

thankyou.

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