Monday, November 19th, 2007

Time	Event
3:21p	sun, aggitation, and following my selfsoul this sun... or lack thereof... is playing with my brain. i have figured out my relationship with teh sunset and how i feel stress about it. I realized this close to a year ago; as the sun would begin to set, i would get increasingly aggitated until it completed its task. I thought it was the change in energy or the fear that it would never come up and that i would never again feel the vitamin D. Today it occurred to me that it has to do with stress. As the sun sets, i begin to think about all the things i *should* be doing and felt i *should* get done by the end of the day... or at least get *something* done. [relax and ejoy, something that's all we can do.] I listened to my selfsoul when i decided i NEEDED to read "witch of portobello" and i was right. I listened to my selfsoul when it told me to shave part of my head, and i was right. It's incredibly intersting the patterns my brain is travelling through after having done EXACTLY what needed to be done. How my brain is desperate to find something wrong with these things, and yet nothing "wrong enough" to actually be wrong and convince me. Instead, whenever my brain tells me something "wrong" with what i did, it simply reaffirms that i did exactly what i needed to do. Being in a space other than mine makes me aggitated. I puppy sat this weekend at my parents' house and got to drive my father's wonderful lexus. I had a heated floor, a heated house, and many other things i think i want at my disposal ... but none were home and most were unecessary. I ended up eating mostly processed food. Though i DID sleep incredibly well in their waterbed. It seems that no matter how many luxuries i have in the alternative space provided, i still find discomfort in a place that doesn't feel home. Clearly luxuries are no longer what is important to me in a safe/home space. Current Mood: good (8 Comments | Comment on this)
4:22p	i have no idea why anyone likes me as a friend, let alone anything else. i need to get over this. i am afraid to agree with people's interest in me. any kind of interest, be it friendship, more than frienship, more than more than friendship. I need to, instead of putting up the brick wall with the sign on it that says "you're allowed here, but i don't know why you'd want to be here" and start thinking about it. Start allowing myself to be intersting. look at the people who choose to surround themselves with me, who invest such precious energy and love into me and getting to know me and loving me. I should give them all more credit than to think they're just around me to pity me, and seeing as i think *they* are interesting, i am going to start thinking about why i am valuable and interesting and worth knowing. maybe i'll like myself a little bit more if i allow myself to BE liked. even loved. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: home - bnl (3 Comments | Comment on this)
11:56p	hair. for the first time since Matt so kindly helped me fall a little more into my skin, or at least my hair, i was ashamed of it. I had to face my parents after they returned from their trip and i decided that they eventually had to deal with it, so why not right away. First thing my mother says: "What'd you do to your head?!" I explained to her that i "cut some of it off" (mild understatement) because "i had to." (at least the truth there.) Then i took it down to hide it from my father. I started to hate/dislike myself slowly, then sat in the dreaded car on the way home as he tried not to fall asleep and i tried not to be afraid, while he told me i needed to get a different job and i told him i had a job i liked. He said it was so i would get more hours but that i couldnt' do 'em and he said "well in this day and age everyone gets all the hours they can, i just thought you might want to try somewhere else." at this point, i decided i wanted to paint pictures in the mud stains on the windows. the sky was beautiful, painted dustclouds filling the atmosphere, looked like the sky was on fire, but coming down instead of up. they always wondered why i put more energy into my friends. my friends don't ask me what's wrong with my head or tell me i need a new job. my friends don't make me feel like shit and then not apologize for it or even recognize it. my friends recognize that i'm my own person and that i'm marvelous. more and more i keep thinking i should cut myself off completley from them money and gift wise, not let them get me ANYTHING EVER and cut ties with him. he makes me feel like shit. i have no way of getting that across to him. yes, i understand it is more about me LETTING him make me feel like shit, and that i shouldn't let it bother me, but ... yes... there are no more words for this since it's still upsetting me. ( voila ) Current Mood: mildly frustrated Current Music: "vanishing" - bnl (7 Comments | Comment on this)

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