Thursday, November 22nd, 2007

Time	Event
7:31p	pushing against change. truth. i remember i used to come here when i had nowhere else to go. get a computer that faced out the window, so i could stare at the sun i couldnt' bare to be outside with. I always like the light, shining in through the windows, warming my skin, but the excitement frightened me. I never wanted to feel that again, i never wanted my hopes up merely to be dashed again. i didn't want any form on encouragement to be myself. Unfortunately, the point has come where my anxiety is getting worse the more i avoid living the Truth. I am fighting the good fight but i am not living it. The world is sick of me not fulfilling my potential and is refusing to let me give up, consequently the pressure of pushing back and refusing to change is taking it's toll on me. I am constantly weary and anxious these days, and though i can blame it on late bills or undone homework, when all is said and done, it's still there, haunting me, calling me to go elsewhere, seek elsewhat, learn more difference else. is the only way to overcome this fear learning to live selfishly? At what point is that not damaging to those i care? If i live selfishly, will i be simply listening to my Self and my needs, which almost definitely will not hurt my loved ones? this past week, the clocks in rooms i've been in where i didn't want to be would either speed up or stop completely. In places where i don't want to be, people exclaim difficulty with reception on their cellphones and various other syncronicities. Does it have to do with the energy i am putting off? Is it so obvious that i don't want and/or feel i shouldn't be somewhere, that i am disrupting even time? Am i pushing so hard against this necessary change that i am changing else? someone just came and told me there's a room with free coffee in it. *vibrates over to free fair-trade coffee*
10:22p	Ist possible i ask so many questions because i am too afeared to live in order to EXPERIENCE the answer?? Did i had to develope the balls to ask difficult questions because it was easier than living and i HAD to know, one way or the other? i think i need to start searching out my own answers rather than relying on others for them, as little or much as i may do that.
11:59p	Un i am constructing this easle this aluminum heel this part of me this piece of me UNconstructing UNrevealed i will place in a corner in the middle of the room plastered with white palates waiting for the right moment. i will talk to it every day it will teach me lessons white, like the snow, but completely UN like the winter which withers under my toes leaking silences so loud. my mirror reflects my stories reflects my past reflects a woman i don't recognize anywhere but in the eyes of my cat chaos. stricken and strong vulnerable yet rennaisant and ready to flea that's what that is. THAT'S what that is!! ready to flea, that tenseness is my ankles my bones my muscles betraying every movement i try to relax into flea run fight all at once, you can't stand still so you fight in place flight in place feet glued to the mattress, i am weighed down by my weightlessness i am coherant only in moments and the moment's come too soon. (c)Chantele Fry 2007 (Comment on this)

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